| Iron Supplements! |
[03 Mar 2008|11:06pm] |
It turns out that my iron is low. My doctor prescribed me these special iron/vitamin c/b12/folic acid pills, and it's amazing the difference they make. I have so much energy now! I'm finally recovering like I should be, and even though I trained about 13 hours last week, I don't feel tired at all. Before I started the iron, it took me forever to recover. I would stay sore for almost 4 days after lifting weights or running hard. Now I feel great! The only problem is that I now have to pay over $100/month in copays for medicine. I hate taking so many things, but it could be worse I guess.
I guess 13 hours isn't that much, but I rode 180 miles, of which I pulled nearly all of, which is significantly more than I have been doing. Today, I swam easy because I was sleepy tired. I wanted to ride too, but I thought I should be careful. Tomorrow I will do more.
In addition to this excess energy and reduced anxiety, I have reached a new level of productivity. This is good. The more senioritis kicks in, the more helpful it will be to get my work done really quickly. I started studying for my exam next Monday because I'll be in Missouri all weekend, and I got through over half of the material. None of it was too difficult. I was also able to read my anthro articles without losing focus.
I'm really excited to race my bike. I'm a little nervous since it's been so long, but I'm feeling really good, and my bike handling skills (which has always been my main limiter) feel better than ever.
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| spring break? |
[22 Feb 2008|12:22pm] |
this is a little sad. the last two years, i went on spring break with the cycling team. the first year was so much fun, probably one of the best weeks i've ever had. the first time i did the 6 gap century in georgia was probably one of the best days of my life, and it was just so much fun. as we were riding down woody gap and back into dahlonega, all i wanted to do was ride my bike forever.
unfortunately, last year was not nearly as much fun. i can't imagine that this year would have been much fun if i went either, especially since i'd always be comparing it to that first year and, well, i won't go into the rest. i'm still a little bummed that i'm missing out, though. i'm not quite as bummed that i'm missing out on the tri club spring break because with so many people at different levels for 3 different disciplines, it probably wouldn't have that same "team bonding" atmosphere. i could be wrong, and that's not the reason why i'm not going, so don't read too far into that.
i am home now, and i went to the doctor today. it turns out that it's really good that the drugs she sent me in the mail didn't come because they would interact with some other medications that I take, and it would have some not so good results. she did prescribe me some anxiety medication, which should be helpful to get me through this transition from college to the real world relatively painlessly.
i still hate the idea of having to take so much medication. i only take 3 things, but i just feel like a slave to all this stuff. as i'm learning about all these diseases of civilization in medical anthro, i can't help but think that i am a perfect representation of what is wrong with our society. i have a lot of allergies and anxiety, and i probably wouldn't be around anymore if evolution still worked the way it's supposed to. you could argue this point for a long time, probably. it's true that i have a lot of allergies, but would i have those allergies if we didn't eat so much shit that humans aren't genetically suited for? would i have all these allergies if my parents monitored what i ate when i was little and didn't just let me eat boxes of oreos at a time? would i be better if my mom wasn't too busy to take the time to breast feed me? all in all, it's probably not my fault.
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[16 Feb 2008|01:01pm] |
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i can't believe i licked an ice sculpture sitting on the sidewalk in downtown ann arbor last night. i also can't believe i convinced john to do it too. i also can't believe that it didn't really taste like ice at all. it had a strange flavor to it. i just hope it wasn't pee.
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[13 Feb 2008|11:35pm] |
Do you ever feel like your life is quickly spiraling out of control? And the more you try, the more it slips away? It's really nothing too serious that is slipping away, but just a small string of not-so-great luck. Our triathlon team is going to Florida for spring break, but we found out today that the university does not have enough vans for us. We are now scrambling to find transportation down to Florida, and every option either seems extremely expensive or just not appealing. We also found out today that one of our fastest girls isn't racing at nationals.
I also had some issues with my econ exam on Monday. I was really brain fogged for the whole thing, and I could hardly even read the questions. I still got like a B+, but it's frustrating because when I looked at the questions after the test, they all seemed so easy. I missed the first two questions simply because I couldn't read them.
This brain fog thing is really becoming a problem, and it's so weird. It's like I'm extremely alert, but there's a disconnect between my eyes and my brain, or like there's a big lump of coal or something in the middle of my brain that obstructs my thinking and vision. It's not even like my vision is cloudy. I can see but I can't watch or interpret anything. It's also a very specific spot in my brain, like if I dug a few inches in from my eyeballs. It's kind of making me nervous, though, because it's been so much worse lately. It's never affected me on a test before. I'm very concerned, though, because I have to drive to Florida, and there is a good chance I won't be able to focus my eyes.
Maybe I'm training too much, but it's different than feeling tired. Training is going well, though. Oh also, I passed my logic test, but they have to put my application on hold since I can't work until May. Progress, though!
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| Nervous |
[06 Feb 2008|10:38pm] |
I took a logic and writing test for a certain company that I applied to work for. This company also happens to make the most frequently used search engine, however I am hesitant to write the name.
Anyway, it went ok. The logic questions weren't too bad, but I did get nervous because I got 2 answers for one of the questions and the directions never said anything about 2 answers. I checked it a bunch of times and still got both answers, so I'm either dumb, really dyslexic, or there really are 2 answers. The writing part wasn't too bad. I just hope they don't email me or call me and say "sorry, you are too dumb to work for us." :(
Today was a stressful day for this reason. Motor control lab was also stressful, and I got bullied by a bunch of nasty athletes into doing the longest module last. :( I got frustrated by this and then had trouble focusing and putting data in the right section of the spreadsheet. Maybe I really am too dumb for everything.
I am also really sore and tired from training.
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[01 Feb 2008|01:05am] |
Today in econ discussion, I learned the formula for the area of a triangle.
Are you kidding me? No wonder school is so stifling for me, and no wonder I lost sight of everything that interests me. Anything that seems interesting initially, like econ or anatomy or physiology, becomes a nightmare after these simple concepts are drilled into my head for the millionth time since 4th grade. How do people even get in to college without knowing the formula for the area of a triangle? I don't think you can even pull the "I'm not a math person" excuse for that. I don't think I could handle another semester of undergrad. I really need some time away from school to figure out what still interests me.
I feel like a lot of people lack a decent sense of logic. Without logic, I'd imagine school, and everything really, would be pretty difficult. It's like how I have to take this logic test for a potential employer, and they told me I could practice by doing LSAT logic problems. How do you study logic? How do you study something that is the basis for everything that you know? Maybe logic isn't the basis of knowledge for everyone? I guess that would explain why so many people have trouble with exams that actually make you apply what you learned.
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| brain fog city |
[30 Jan 2008|10:09pm] |
I've always had this issue with "brain fog," where it's really hard for me to focus, my eyes can't focus, I can't retain anything that I read, and I get extremely fatigued trying to read anything. Right now, it's really bad, and I feel like I can hardly focus my eyes. The biggest issue is when I am driving and I cannot focus my eyes on the road. Sometimes I wonder if this is a serious problem or if it's normal. Usually it's better if I focus on physical things, like making something, drawing something, or solving a math problem. It's really a problem whenever I try to read though, regardless of what I'm reading.
I used to think that this was gluten related, but I am pretty positive that it isn't because i didn't get it when I went on my gluten challenge. It's possible that it's dairy related. The only cure is caffeine, but sometimes caffeine helps too much and I can't focus because I am too alert. Then I get way too brain fogged again. Because of this, there is a very small window in which I can read and do other similar types of homework. First thing in the morning for about an hour, for about 2 hours after I drink coffee, and really that's about it. The real problem is when this happens before exams because I'm just screwed, and it happens a lot, and sometimes it takes me quite awhile to finally be able to focus on my exam and read the questions.
I also always sleep at least 8 hours a night, but lately I've been sleeping 9. Naps don't help. I wonder if this is abnormal. It has gotten worse recently, which could be due to the dairy that is in the chocolate chips I've been eating, or it could be due to my increasing level of fatigue from training. The training fatigue level should be getting better, though, because it's a recovery week.
I met with my motor control professor yesterday to talk about some of my options when I graduate. She was very helpful in a way. First she told me to just get a job. Then she told me not to get a job and to go abroad. She talked to me for almost an hour, just babbling about how she wants to open an art gallery in ann arbor, how she gets sick of research when she finds out the answer so she doesn't want to write up the answer, how she never graduated from high school. She also got me thinking a little bit more about research and how maybe I just had a research experience that wasn't a good fit for me. I guess she could be right. I am curious why the hell I get this brain fog all the time. Maybe I could stick electrodes on myself to figure out why. Anyway, I just need to take a break from school to figure out what I really want to do.
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[12 Jan 2008|10:22pm] |
Trust.
There are so many training philosophies and ideas out there that it's difficult to get wrapped up in all of them. I find myself thinking that I should be doing more volume or less intensity at this point in my training. But here's the thing... I've been racing for a long time. I've also been training for a long time, and I know what doesn't work for me. I also have concrete evidence that what I am doing right now is working. I also know that you have to pick something, stick with it, and believe in it. I had this trouble when I had a CTS coach. I didn't trust that my training was doing enough for me, and when I looked at my competition on race day, I felt like I didn't match up.
I also know that this is temporary, and I have one shot. But most importantly, I trust it. Right now, I am swimming and running just as fast or faster than ever. Cycling will come along once I start racing and getting outside more, but I can at least guarantee myself that if I raced today, I would PR. I'm also stronger, leaner, and smarter.
I'm also having fun and enjoying the rest of my life. It finally feels like all the pieces are finally here. Now I just hope I don't lose any before April. In the next few months, I will be risking a lot, but I have to in order to gain anything.
Yesterday Kristen, Lauren and I went ice skating. I haven't gone since 8th grade (8 years ago!), but I was happy to find out that I can still do jumps. It took me a few minutes to get used to the ice again, but then it was like I never stopped. It was fun.
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[08 Jan 2008|10:26pm] |
ugh i hate doctors. why didnt the GI doctor test me for celiac disease 3 years ago when I went to him? He just told me to go on an elimination diet and see if things got better. He specifically said that he didn't want to do a biopsy of my intestines. now, 3 years later, i may have to eat gluten for over 6 months to get an accurate test.
i've been eating gluten for 5 days, and i am really starting to get sick. at first, i think i was just crazy and making it up, but now i really am not feeling well. my training hasn't suffered too much from it, but i got dizzy during my ride today (may not be related) and i had to stop my run a few minutes early because i was feeling really awful.
it could be that my body just doesn't know how to handle gluten after 3 years. but it could also be that i'm having an autoimmune reaction to it. :(
classes started again. they are ok, but i seem to have a lot of reading.
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| an identity crisis |
[03 Jan 2008|11:13pm] |
for two years, i have been strictly gluten-free. i bought all new pots and pans, found new restaurants to eat at, and completely changed my diet. now, i am starting to think that maybe celiac disease is not what i have. from the tests i got a few years ago, i only tested positive for milk, oats, and pecans. my dad, my sister, and my mom's sister all have celiac disease, so naturally, since i felt sick, i thought i had it too. i thought that gluten and soy made me feel worse, but it's possible that all of my problems are related to the first three allergies. during break, my symptoms were much worse despite being strictly gluten free. this could be related to all the dairy i had combined with the increased consumption of coffee and diet coke.
i bought a loaf of bread yesterday, which made me sick to my stomach. it's not so much the fear of getting stick that bothers me. it's the fear of losing this sort of identity that i have established for myself. i've grown to like it, and while of course my life would be a lot easier without it, i don't want it to go away. today i had two pieces of bread. i have a headache, and i never get headaches, but aside from that, i feel fine. i guess we will see what the next few weeks bring.
i'm also scared of getting sick, and i'm scared of damaging myself. i really do need to get tested the real way and find out for sure. in fact, i should have done it 2 years ago.
my symptoms were the worst during swim season in high school, which could have been due to stress. i was very stressed out, and i could never fall asleep.
so really, my whole life for the past two years may have been a sham. i apologize.
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[01 Jan 2008|08:02pm] |
break is over. i'm going back to ann arbor tomorrow and classes start on thursday. i think this break was bad for my motivation. it was fine before break, but now it seems to be lacking. also, it seems pretty unlikely that i'll graduate with highest distinction, so what's the point anyway? i'm only taking 12 credits, so it shouldn't be bad anyway.
break was fun, though. christmas was nice. we had some people over on christmas day. i got some nice things for christmas including new assos shorts, a new helmet, a nice patagonia jacket from erin, a cute bath matt, and legos!
erin came to visit us on friday, and he just left a few hours ago. we went to the butler museum in youngstown, which was surprisingly nice. i also got some nice clothes for interviews and whatever else i do once i graduate. for new year's eve, we had lobsters, which erin had never had before. we also set off a lot of fireworks.
i rode outside twice while i was at home, and running has been going really well. i'm going to really pick up the training when i get back to school.
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[25 Dec 2007|12:11am] |
merry christmas!
i am finally home. i went to seattle last week, which was very nice. it's always fun to hang out with erin. we went to his office christmas breakfast, which was strange. i felt like i was in the wrong place, but i wasn't. i guess i'm just getting older. i suppose the real world won't be so bad, though. it's just weird. other than that we did some christmas shopping and just walked around a lot. we were both sick so we didn't do too much else.
also i got a 4.0 for the semester, however i am sure no one cares.
i took the redeye home on saturday night. i was in the emergency exit row, which at first seemed really wonderful. more leg room than first class, but then i realized that the seats do not go back. on a redeye flight, this is not very much fun.
my sister is home from serbia for a few weeks. i think she's become much more of a communist, which conflicts drastically with my parents, their lavish consumerism, and american capitalism in general. this is significantly worsened around christmas. it results in some household tension.
i haven't exercised much. i was sick all last week. i ran once in seattle and today, but despite this, i've still been very very tired.
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[15 Dec 2007|11:25pm] |
days like today make me think that maybe i do have a chance to race well at nationals. i went swimming and did a main set of 6x400s, the first two pull, the next 4 swim in under 5:20. the last one was in 5:05, which is good because i wasn't trying *that* hard.
then i ran 4 miles (the most i've done since my stupid injury) at 7:45 pace. i started at around 8:45 and worked my way down to 6:35. i didn't think i could still run that fast, but for some reason, i felt really good and i just wanted to keep running faster. i think that's a good sign. i actually enjoy running for once. i think i'm just going to continue with this type of not-really-scheduled training until January, and then i will really start doing regimented training.
i also studied for math a little bit, but the practice test i did was pretty easy, so i don't think i'll do too much more.
last night, we had our house secret santa gift exchange. it was fun. i had to part with mr. lion, who i made a few days ago. i grew deeply attached to him because he's just so cute, but he'll have a nice home now.
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[11 Dec 2007|09:55pm] |
Today was the last day of classes for the semester. I am sad that math is almost over forever. Today I finally attached the actuator to the hip exoskeleton that I was working on. I won't be around the lab next semester to see how it all comes together, but it's a start at least. It was fun to play with saws and clamps. Throughout my MVS 435 class, my groups and I turned in over 80 pages of single-spaced, technical writing. I definitely did not expect that degree of workload for a movement science class.
Anyway, while April, and consequently graduation, is rapidly approaching, I am excited to finally *do* something with my life. I feel like I have figured out Michigan and the way that all the classes here test us, and in a way, I'm kind of bored with it. I'm starting to feel somewhat stifled by the monotony of it all. I know it could potentially get worse once I get a real job, but I'll at least be going somewhere. I couldn't imagine doing another year of this.
It's also easy for me to look back on my time here and think about all the things I shouldn't have done. I shouldn't have majored in movement science. I shouldn't have joined forces with monroe street multisport in the early days of the triathlon club. I shouldn't have quit the triathlon club for a year. How could I have known, though? I started with so many things. Interests in biomechanics, art, film, business, triathlons, and medicine. Throughout the years, I threw away every single one of my interests for at least a short period of time. Most of them came back, though, and now I'm getting a better idea of what I want to do with my life. Although I do not know exactly what I will do, I'm excited to finally start finding out.
In the interest of not sounding too conceited, I hesitate to continue...But I probably already killed that interest after years of writing in this stupid livejournal so here we go. It's also kind of cool to look at the triathlon club and think "hey, I started that." At least I did something while I was here, and it's something that will be here for a long, long time. Not many people can say that. I'm hoping that it's a small microcosm of all the things that I'll be able to look back on in my life and say "hey, I did that." I'm itching to start doing more things like this.
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[26 Nov 2007|09:37pm] |
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"apologize" timbaland |
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oookkkk...
i registered for my last semester today. this is scary. i can't believe it's almost over. it feels like i just started at michigan. i registered for 12 credits, which actually probably won't be as easy as it feels like it will be. motor control, linear algebra (217), and econ 101. i'll also be busy racing my freakin' bike, training, and oh yeah, trying to find a real job.
i made my "annual" training plan for now until april 20th. i went mostly by cycling training plans, which might get sort of messed up when i mix in a bunch of running and swimming...i'm not going to run or swim too much, though. cycling is still priority, at least for now. i'm a little scared because it gets up to 10 hours pretty fast, which i think might be too much too soon, but we shall see. i just have to be very very careful, but i am patient and this will work. i wish i could just get my own coach, but i don't trust anyone.
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[25 Nov 2007|10:06pm] |
back to schooool. :(
i was sick all of break, since Tuesday, and it got worse as soon as I got back to Ann Arbor. maybe my ohio-born body is allergic to michigan.
break was nice, though. thanksgiving was strange without my sister, but it was relatively uneventful. i also got to see erin for a few days, which is always nice. he shot a deer yesterday with a crossbow in my backyard. it was sad. poor bambi.
last night we went to dinner and then saw "dan in real life," which was kind of cute.
i also got a massage from the crazy ukrainian guy, which hurt but like always helped. he always comments on how skinny i have gotten. i guess he does have a point. i lost about 15 pounds since last year, and i really don't have a good explanation why. i thought it would come back when i started to swim and lift again, but it hasn't. i really haven't consciously made an effort to eat less. i think i just stopped buying tortilla chips and i stopped compulsively eating when i'm not hungry. for example, this weekend i ate a TON of food, and i thought i would have weighed at least 3 lbs more than usual, but nope. i weighed less. oh well. better power to weight ratio, right?
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[18 Nov 2007|07:26pm] |
yay fun! erin came to visit this weekend, and even though he was here for less than 36 hours, it was nice. and i'll get to see him on friday too! it's hard not seeing him everyday, and it's so nice to spend a few days together here and there. it's always so much fun.
i'm leaving michigan with an 0-4 football record against ohio state, but i guess there's not much i can do about that.
i'm learning that if there is only one thing in my life that really bothers me, and it's dumb to let that one thing bring everything else down.
i'm too tired to go to swimming.
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[16 Nov 2007|03:35pm] |
persist.
so on wednesday when i tried to run, i only made it 8 minutes before pain. i thought i'd try my luck again today. first i swam like 1700 yds, which felt awful. my stroke has felt terrible for the last month or so, and i can't figure out why. my arms just feel dead...maybe from lifting? i dont know. anyway, then i ran on the treadmill, and i made it 20 minutes! no pain, but i thought it would be a good idea to stop. now i'm really tired for some reason.
i've had a lot of bad luck with injuries and overtraining, but i'm not going to give up. i'm learning a lot about my limits, and i'm also learning how delicate those limits are. i know that i can't do high volume training, but it's taken a lot of trial and error to figure out just how much i can tolerate. right now, it seems to be a very small amount. i'm just going to keep hacking away and hopefully my persistance will pay off. hopefully.
anyway, life is good. yesterday, sara, kristen and i made hand turkeys and we wrote 4 things that we are thankful for on them. unfortunately, though, my hand is very large, and there wasn't enough room for my turkey to have legs. he ended up being a double-limb amputee with stumps. it was sara's birthday too, so naturally there was some sangria involved. i also got my hair cut yesterday, and i like it. oh and erin is coming tomorrow and there is kind of an important football game going on.
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[01 Nov 2007|08:24pm] |
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I'm busy. We basically have to re-write our whole biomechanics paper. I don't care so much about the GRE and I haven't really been studying. I'm waiting for a gluten free pumpkin pie to bake, but I'm afraid it won't turn out so well. The dough and the filling turned out on the runny side.
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wozzalini's journal